My life after Mum
Well it has been quite some time now since I last entered anything in here. The reason for this is because my precious mother passed away on the 30th August 2006 and was cremated on the 5th Sept. and well I just have not had the energy or inclination to write anything in here since all of this happened.
For 5 days i watched my mother struggle for every breath she took and that was so hard to do, just sitting there helpless, when mum was awake she was very alert and knew most of what was going on around her but for most of the time she slept which was good as she didn't have to look at me with such a sad face.
I broke down once in front of mum when the doctors told us that she was in a pretty bad way and that there was not much more they could do for her and it was only a matter of time. Mum saw me break down and the look of horror on her face seeing me like that was terrible, it is a look I will never forget. I just said to her you know how I am just a big old sook not liking what was happening to her. She knew what I was like, cry at the drop of a hat (or whatever that saying is) but I just wish now that I had held it together a bit better.
A doctor once said to me sometime ago that I had to stop being selfish and to let mum know that it was ok for her to go to the next place, after giving that careful consideration I thought to myself that perhaps i was being selfish and that I should let mum go so I prayed so hard this time when she was in hospital for god to take her and not let her suffer anymore. He answered me this time by taking mum but it still does not make this any easier on me or my kids.
My mum and me had a special relationship, we always did. I always felt so safe in her arms, she always knew the right thing to say to me when I was sad. I am sad now but i don't have my mum to comfort me this time and I miss that so much. Even whilst mum was in the nursing home and something happened to me I always wanted to be with my mum as i knew just seeing her would make me feel so much better.
I am a 48 year old woman here and I am crying like a 2 year old but you know what I can't help it. I miss her so much that it is killing me inside.
Sorry for my ramblings but tonight I just felt like I needed to get some things off my chest, not that it has made me feel any better but it is done.
For 5 days i watched my mother struggle for every breath she took and that was so hard to do, just sitting there helpless, when mum was awake she was very alert and knew most of what was going on around her but for most of the time she slept which was good as she didn't have to look at me with such a sad face.
I broke down once in front of mum when the doctors told us that she was in a pretty bad way and that there was not much more they could do for her and it was only a matter of time. Mum saw me break down and the look of horror on her face seeing me like that was terrible, it is a look I will never forget. I just said to her you know how I am just a big old sook not liking what was happening to her. She knew what I was like, cry at the drop of a hat (or whatever that saying is) but I just wish now that I had held it together a bit better.
A doctor once said to me sometime ago that I had to stop being selfish and to let mum know that it was ok for her to go to the next place, after giving that careful consideration I thought to myself that perhaps i was being selfish and that I should let mum go so I prayed so hard this time when she was in hospital for god to take her and not let her suffer anymore. He answered me this time by taking mum but it still does not make this any easier on me or my kids.
My mum and me had a special relationship, we always did. I always felt so safe in her arms, she always knew the right thing to say to me when I was sad. I am sad now but i don't have my mum to comfort me this time and I miss that so much. Even whilst mum was in the nursing home and something happened to me I always wanted to be with my mum as i knew just seeing her would make me feel so much better.
I am a 48 year old woman here and I am crying like a 2 year old but you know what I can't help it. I miss her so much that it is killing me inside.
Sorry for my ramblings but tonight I just felt like I needed to get some things off my chest, not that it has made me feel any better but it is done.
This entry was posted
on Thursday, September 14, 2006 at 8:14 pm.
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