Not Exactly With It

An Update

2006-11-29T21:09:00.000+10:00

Well it has been quite some time I see since I last updated my blog but then there has not been too much to tell.
First of all, I have lost 4.7kgs on my diet in 4 weeks, would have liked to of done better but well one can't rush progress I suppose. I was very disappointed in my efforts last week as I had only lost 600 grams and after how strict I was with myself and only losing that i felt quite disheartened but then that was on Monday and today is Wednesday and am really sticking to my diet and doing heaps of exercise even though I have been doing this all along.
I had a couple of weeks work at the Uni supervising exams, so that money will come in handy for xmas.
Had a huge disappointment also but then what is new, that is just how my life goes.
It was my grandaughters b'day today and she turned 6, we all had dinner here at my place, I made fish and some fried potatoes for everyone except for myself and a huge salad, all tasted nice. I am sure my baby girl had a nice time here. When they first got here we all had a swim as it was just so hot, so we all felt refreshed after that.
Well can't think of much else to write about, pretty slack considering it has been a while since I updated this but well I am just a boring person.
Anyway for anyone that reads this, I hope things are going well for you all.
Until next time....cya

My diet

2006-11-07T07:19:00.000+10:00

Well I started on the Tony Ferguson diet last week Tuesday, i actually went and got weighed and measured on the Monday but didn't actually start the diet until the Tuesday. I have to say it has been a bit hard this first week just settling into the diet as I have had to make a complete change in my eating habits and well I suppose for anyone that is not easy but after going in yesterday for my first weigh in session and measurements done i was really surprised and very very happy with myself. I have lost nearly 2 kilos in the first week and 1cm around my waist and I just feel so good about myself for achieving that in just one week. I realize not every week is going to be the same results but i am still so happy with myself for losing that much in the first week.
Eating right and doing a little bit of exercise doesn't hurt anyone and at the moment I am just so happy with myself.

Job Interview

2006-10-21T06:42:00.000+10:00

Well I went for a job interview yesterday and within half an hour i already knew I had not got the job, felt very disheartened but then what is new, just another slap in the face for me.
Also yesterday I got a tattoo of this design my daughter had made up through her scrapbooking techniques and I added mum, dad and Joe (my brother) the 3 people who have passed away and who have meant so much in my life. I got the tattoo in the middle of my back. To me it is just a small token of the love I had for them. My daughters also got the same tattoo minus the words, one daughter got it on her inside ankle and the other daughter got it on the inside forearm, all of them look so nice.
Not much other news at all, just think I will now just concentrate on getting this house ready for sale after xmas when I put it on the market.
For anyone reading my blog I hope you have a wonderful day.

Finally

2006-10-10T07:48:00.000+10:00

Finally I have got mums death certificate so now I will be able to put closure on some of the things that need ending. It has taken 6 weeks for this to come out to me when normally it only takes 3 weeks so I really don't know what the problem was with it. Once I got the certificate I straight away rang the solicitor but he was not there and I asked if he would be in at all this week and the receptionist was not sure, so that sounds weird in itself as normally the receptionist would know these things straight away as she is the first point of contact in an office. But god only knows what work places do and think these days. There really isn't much to finalize as the house was put into my name a long time ago now so it is just the bank account to take care of and some shares and that is about it. But it will be nice just to have that all taken care of, just one thing off my mind.
I have just been taking each day as it comes, some days are good and some are bad. The pain and emptiness will always be there but I think I will be able to handle it a bit better as time goes by. When I received the death certificate I realized for sure that mum was gone but I just sat here and tried not to show my daughter the emotions running through me as i am sure both daughters are tired of seeing me the way I have been lately.
Today I have to spend more money, yesterday I had to take the cholrinator and this other thing up to the pool shop and they rang me late yesterday afternoon with the good news, I am up for a new cholrinator as the old one is stuffed and something else is wrong with the other thing (yes you can tell I know a lot about pools) and it is going to cost me near 500 dollars, how wonderful, I can't wait to spend that much money on something I won't get much use out of anyway as after xmas i will be putting this house up for sale. To me it is just a bloody waste of money. Never in my life will i buy a house with a pool, yes they are enjoyable in summer but they cost a bloody lot of money to keep them looking good. I am so over spending money on this pool it isn't funny. I suppose the secret is don't take a water sample up to the pool shop because if you do as sure as hell it will end up costing you money.
And today is grocery shopping day, yayyyyyyyy can't wait, more money on useless items.
Well I think my complaining for today is over, shall go outside now and take my frustrations out in the yard and rake some more leaves up before the guy comes to pick it all up.
So for anyone that reads this, I hope your day is better than mine so take care.

I am trying

2006-09-28T07:24:00.000+10:00

I am trying hard to get back to normal but am finding it impossible. As each day goes by the worse I am feeling. I always knew mums death would take its toll on me but I never imagined of how much of a toll it would take. Actually it is impossible to ever imagine how a death will affect you until it does happen.
Yesterday afternoon I thought I would do some work outside in the yard as in raking all the leaves up as I have a mango tree and advocado tree and they are forever dropping there leaves so it was looking like a bit of a mess out there, so i started and was doing an ok sort of job when all of a sudden a memory of mum came flooding back to me, one day before she went into the nursing home i was raking the leaves up and making little piles and mum was bending over picking them up and putting in the wheelbarrow for me, I had told her not to but she insisted she wanted to help me. So this memory yesterday came flooding back to me and I just started crying and wishing with all my might that my mum was there helping me again.
Mum and me were always very close, I suppose most mothers and daughters are but there was a special bond we always had, one that could never be broken. Of course over the years we did have a few fights but they weren't fights that we could never get over. I remember as a child when I was going to school mum would walk me to the front door and we would stand there and kiss each other on the mouth, forehead each cheek and then rub noses and then of course a cuddle. For me to leave the house without all of that was just not on even if we did have a small arguement of a morning, we just had that ritual and stuck to it for as long as I was at school.
I can still see my mums eyes light up when she saw me, even through all her sickness when she saw me walk into the room her eyes just would light up and she would just feel that everything would be ok while I was there with her and I so wish that I could have made her better but that is something I could not do for her, the one thing she wanted to do was stay here on earth with her girls. She told us that the day she passed away. She always called myself and my 2 daughters her girls and she just wanted to stay with us. That particular day she passed away she was in and out of sleep a lot which was not uncommon for mum as she did sleep heaps anyway but she was talking in her sleep a lot this particular day and when she woke up once I asked her if she was dreaming about dad and my brother and she said no but that they were here with her and I said do you think they have come to take you with them and she said probably but I dont' want to go, I just want to stay with my girls. One of my daughters was with me and we thought that was so cute but we also knew that it was asking too much as she was struggling really bad for breath at this stage.
I just wish I could start to feel a bit normal again but I can't, I miss her too much and in all honesty I just want to be with her again, but I know that I need to be here for my girls as well so I will just have to wait my turn.
Well I suppose I will leave this here for now and just try to get on with my day as today I have to take my car over for its service and then I will come home and finish what I started yesterday.
For anyone that reads this, I hope your day is better than mine.

I sometime wonder at myself

2006-09-22T22:08:00.000+10:00

In one of the forums I go to I call myself notablonde, well today proved why I call myself that name. Last year September I put my rego sticker on the car as one does when it is time to do it. Well I had all sorts of problems with it, I couldn't get the bloody thing to come off the backing paper without leaving some of it on the actual sticker and I just swore at myself because I had refused to put it on my car window until it was due so I had it in my glove box for a while and thought that the paper had melted onto the sticker and that is why I was having all this problem with it. I was not impressed and thought for sure throughout the year I would have problems with it on the wind screen because of some of the paper still being stuck to it. Fortunately I didn't have any problems with it in this past year and it stayed on the wind screen well, thank goodness. So now today I decide it is time for me to put the new one on as it is that time of year again, but this time I was not going to get caught out and had left it inside the house to the sun could not get to it, thought i was so clever doing that. Well I went around to the passenger side and pulled the old one off and put the new one on, with such ease I might add, no problems at all. All the while I am thinking to myself how well the old one had stayed on there considering it had this paper stuck to it in places, but well out with the old and in with the new. So after I did that I came around to the drivers side of the car waiting for my daughter to get in the car as we were going out and I was just playing around with the old sticker and I then realized that there was nothing wrong at all with the old sticker, I just had not pulled the sticker off properly in the first place, I had left the clear outer edge on it and that is where all my problems came from, when my daughter realized what an idiot I was she sure let me know and said something along the lines of, mum I really can't believe you, she was in shock and just shaking her head at me in disbelief. I told her that I do have some blonde moments this one just stayed with me for a year. I honestly never cease to amaze myself at times, I have to admit it is the first good laugh I have had in quite a while so that part felt good.
We then went over to a shopping centre that we don't frequent that often but it is large and you can lose yourself there which is good, takes your mind of other things.
Bought this really funky watch and a bracelet, all in the junk jewellry style but it is all nice. I know I did something silly over there as well just can't think of what it was but i am sure my daughter will fill me in on whatever it was i did.
It has actually been a nice day today, I just start getting a bit down after lunch but I am sure that will pass one day also.
Anyway that is enough of my ramblings...so take care to anyone that reads this.

Where Do You Start

2006-09-20T20:56:00.000+10:00

With a day like today where do you begin to tell each other how you are feeling.
I watched the memorial fully once and parts of it a 2nd time, it just got far too emotional for me to keep watching the 2nd time.
When Steve spoke of his mum that is where I just totally lost it, it was as though he knew how I was feeling and he suffered exactly the same way as I am now, but then when someone we love so much leaves us for a better life beyond we all suffer the same way, just some of us show it more than others.
I actually left the house today without anyone with me, strange feeling and quite honestly i don't think I am ready for that experience again for a little while yet. But anyway I went up the road to the shops to get something for dinner and there is this painting I keep stopping to look at, it is of 2 kookaburras sitting in a gum tree and it is absolutely beautiful and so is the price. The painting is a limited edition so if I want it I had better make my mind up soon as I can see it going soon and then I know I am going to be disappointed. I find myself just looking at this painting for ages so i am not sure if my mum is telling me in some kind of way to buy it as not long before she passed away outside of the nursing home there was this kookaburra sitting in a tree and I took some pics of it and showed mum, she loved kookaburras but then who doesn't love them. I think tomorrow I will make my mind up one way or the other as to whether I will buy it or not.
If there were people reading my blog they could help me decide on what to do but since no one is reading anything I write i have to make this decision on my own.
Well I suppose that is it for me for now so take care whoever decides to read this.

My life after Mum

2006-09-14T20:14:00.000+10:00

Well it has been quite some time now since I last entered anything in here. The reason for this is because my precious mother passed away on the 30th August 2006 and was cremated on the 5th Sept. and well I just have not had the energy or inclination to write anything in here since all of this happened.
For 5 days i watched my mother struggle for every breath she took and that was so hard to do, just sitting there helpless, when mum was awake she was very alert and knew most of what was going on around her but for most of the time she slept which was good as she didn't have to look at me with such a sad face.
I broke down once in front of mum when the doctors told us that she was in a pretty bad way and that there was not much more they could do for her and it was only a matter of time. Mum saw me break down and the look of horror on her face seeing me like that was terrible, it is a look I will never forget. I just said to her you know how I am just a big old sook not liking what was happening to her. She knew what I was like, cry at the drop of a hat (or whatever that saying is) but I just wish now that I had held it together a bit better.
A doctor once said to me sometime ago that I had to stop being selfish and to let mum know that it was ok for her to go to the next place, after giving that careful consideration I thought to myself that perhaps i was being selfish and that I should let mum go so I prayed so hard this time when she was in hospital for god to take her and not let her suffer anymore. He answered me this time by taking mum but it still does not make this any easier on me or my kids.
My mum and me had a special relationship, we always did. I always felt so safe in her arms, she always knew the right thing to say to me when I was sad. I am sad now but i don't have my mum to comfort me this time and I miss that so much. Even whilst mum was in the nursing home and something happened to me I always wanted to be with my mum as i knew just seeing her would make me feel so much better.
I am a 48 year old woman here and I am crying like a 2 year old but you know what I can't help it. I miss her so much that it is killing me inside.
Sorry for my ramblings but tonight I just felt like I needed to get some things off my chest, not that it has made me feel any better but it is done.

My Mum

2006-08-27T08:23:00.000+10:00

Well I got a call on my mobile Friday morning as Bec and I were heading over to Garden City, it was from the nursing home to tell me that they were going to send my mum to the hospital as she had a very bad cough and chest infection and pains in her back. So i said to Bec still go to Garden City as by the time they ring the ambulance and mum gets to the hospital we will have done what we had intended to do over there. So Bec got her denim shorts and by this time I was starting to feel a bit edgy and wanting to get up to the hospital so we drove up there and mum had just arrived there. Well after about 3 to 4 hours of not seeing a doctor finally one showed up, they did blood tests and xrays and tried for a urine but mum just can't do that sitting on a bed pan so they missed out on getting that one. Anyway the tests showed mums lungs are just as bad as normal, she has pulmonary fibrosis and her lungs are just about closed up now. But the test showed that she just started off with a chest infection and that she would need antibiotics and that because of her fibrosis they would probably keep her in hospital. Well over night her infection turned into fluid on the lungs which puts more strain on her breathing which in turn makes her heart work faster which is not good so they have got her on medication now to slow the heart down and to kill the infection on the chest and draining her lungs. She is definitely not in a good way at the moment but hopefully all the antibiotics will do there job and she can then go back to the nursing home.
So besides all that drama nothing much else has been happening. just trying to stay out of trouble.

Yet another day and another dollar spent

2006-08-23T20:52:00.000+10:00

Well got up early this morning and had great intentions of doing housework and washing, well did most of the housework still have a little bit more to do and did all the washing. So all in all I didn't do too bad at all, except for when I left the house with my daughter. First of all I have to go to the pool shop and really didn't need to much from them so I was pleased there. Came back home and added what I had to add to the pool and then started the housework again, but it all got too much for me in the end and decided to go with my daughter as she wanted to buy herself a new printer scanner and photo copier, all in one sort of thing. Well whilst in these shops looking for what she wanted I decided to look at the new pizza pronto ovens and saw one on sale so decided to buy it as we do like our pizzas and i am so sick of spending heaps on them so I am sure after a while this will pay for itself. So this Friday night we are having pizza for dinner. You can actually make scones in it also so I shall be testing a few things out.
Not much else happened today but tomorrow I shall go and visit my mum and then go and have my massage at 1.30 and that is about it.
Bella is doing so well, spoilt already and has us wrapped around her paw.

Another Day, Another Dollar Spent

2006-08-22T14:49:00.000+10:00

Well I had an interesting day today, well to me it was interesting. First of all I went over to see my mum who is in a nursing home and she was in one of her moods where nothing is right and she thinks she is well enough to come home. Let me explain first of all what is wrong with my mother, she has alzheimers, she is a diabetic insulin dependant and has heart problems and the main one is she has pulmonary fibrosis, in other words her lungs are stuffed, she relies on an oxygen tank to help her breathe 24 hours a day and today well not only today but every time I go up there she wants to come home and yes i can understand that but because of the alzheimers she just doesn't comprehend what is wrong with her and that she needs to be there and looked after properly. Today it just really got to me her wanting to come home and not understanding why she can't come home. I have days like this where it does get to me.
Well I leave the nursing home and go and do my grocery shopping, oh yeah my eldest daughter is with me also, she comes with me everywhere most of the time, doesn't like to leave me alone for too long, thinks I might get myself into some sort of mischief...hahaha....anyway off we go to do the shopping, didn't buy anything that I don't normally buy and actually didn't buy a couple of things that I would do so normally and then get to the check out and the check out girl is scanning it and I look up at the metre thing that tells you how much it is all costing so far and i nearly drop dead on the spot, she hadn't even got through half my items and it was already up to $113.00, I was gobsmacked, could not believe what I was seeing, thought there must be a mistake somewhere on there so I looked at Bec (my daughter) and she said wait until it is finished and we will check the docket out, the total of the grocery bill was $172.00 and the worse part about it all was there was no mistake on the docket. I could not believe my eyes. I have never paid that much for groceries before in my life, well I have at xmas time when you are getting everything you need for the festive season. I know a lot of people out there do pay heaps for there groceries but they have a growing family and so on, this is just for 3 of us all adults and none of us eat that much anyway. I am now convinced that groceries are all going up because of the petrol increase but no ones pay packet is going up at all to meet the demands of this ever increasing life we live in.
Well all that aside I had an appointment today at my hairdressers as she has just got this massage bed in and she was having a free trial day today and well this bed is just totally unbelievable, it is like a water bed and you lay on it and then this thing moves up and down your entire body massaging it and it is just so relaxing, the trial was just for 5 minutes but I could feel myself drifting off to sleep, when you actually buy your time on this bed it is for 10 minutes at a time so i can see myself actually falling asleep at times. I have decided to go on the days that I go and see my mum so then at the end of the day i can surely feel a bit relaxed after being stressed for part of the day.
Anyway that is it for me for now. Take care

Bella

2006-08-18T08:40:00.000+10:00

Well yesterday my daughter and I decided it was time to go and get another cat. In May this year we lost the most precious thing to us, our Skeet, she was absolutely beautiful. It has taken 3 months for me to even consider getting another cat and still I am a bit funny about it but we both relented and went out and adopted our little Bella. The vet where we were taking Skeet has an adoption thing going on where you can adopt a cat which is just such a brillant idea so that is where we got our Bella from. She is 7 months old, born on the 8th January 2006 and she is black and white, she has been desexed, already had 2 vaccinations and she has a microchip put in. She is very cute and very inquisitive, in the past 24 hours since we have had her she has checked this house out over and over again but then I suppose that is what cats do, just familiarizing themselves with their new abode. She loves being patted and jumps between the 2 couches for a pat from my daughter and then from me. She slept with my daughter last night and then this morning when she heard me come into here the computer room she can jumping from behind me right up into the screen of the computer.
Well things around here should get a bit back to normal now that we have another family member, yes we treat our animals just like one of the family.

Just another day

2006-08-14T16:33:00.000+10:00

Well I can see no one is reading anything I write in here so not sure now if I should feel insulted or just don't give a damn whether anyone reads anything I write or not. I am just in one of those moods where I really don't care anymore.
I went to my doctors today to get some test results back which I did but they still did not answer the one question I wanted answered so now i have decided to just wait until i get the appointment with the liver clinic at the PA hospital, all i am hoping for is that is does not take too long to get this appointment. My doctor faxed a letter off to them a bit over a week ago now and I still have not heard anything so the doc said give it another 2 weeks and if I haven't heard anything by then to ring him and he will sort it out for me.
So I sit here still none the wiser as to what is happening with me, still have all the symptoms of this illness just don't have the confirmed diagnosis of it as yet.
Well I will leave it here for now as I have to go and finish cooking dinner...take care if anyone is reading anything I am writing.

I've done well

2006-08-08T13:22:00.000+10:00

Well I can see that I have been a very naughty girl, getting my daughter to start me off on this blog thingie and here I have not entered any more posts in it since the first one, shame on me.
I suppose though I just find it hard talking to myself and that is exactly what I am doing with this blog, just entering my thoughts and what I have done and then it is all quiet again. I am just going to have to try to enter something in here at least once a week if not more.
Today I went to the dentist and had 2 fillings and still have 2 more to go which will be happening on Friday. I have also had my teeth cleaned which was good as your mouth always feels so fresh after your teeth have been professionally cleaned. I just hate the numb feeling as I won't let anyone touch my teeth unless they give me a needle, so I am sitting here at the moment with a numb mouth, I just thought someone could punch me in the mouth at the moment and I would feel a thing but I am glad no one feels like punching me either, well at least I don't think anyone wants to punch me.
I find out some results this week of a blood test I had so I do hope that is ok but in all honesty I don't think it will be but i will wait until I know for sure before I start screaming.
Let me think of something nice I have done in the past fortnight....hmmmmm thats right it was my youngests birthday, she turned 24 and we all went into the city to the Botancial Gardens for a picnic and it was just such a lovely day, the weather was so nice, it actually felt a bit like summer it got that hot but since then the weather has changed back to winter as we have had some westerly's which always happens this time of the year, but anyway that particular day was beautiful and we all had some laughs and just relaxed in the sunshine. We all went for a long walk in the gardens and my little grandaughter and i decided to go looking for some white wabbits but we couldn't find any but it was fun looking for them.
Well i suppose that is it for now and I promise i won't leave it that long until I post again.

Sunday

2006-07-23T14:56:00.000+10:00

This is my first ever blog and I really have no idea what to do except to just type about whatever i want to type about. It will all be a learning curve or is that curb, actually not sure what the saying is at all.
Well it is Sunday here in Brisbane, Australia and once again I am feeling quite bored, nothing unusual for me these days. The weather is crappy but in reality we need this crappy weather as our dams are drying up at a fast pace, mind you it hasn't rained yet today but it does look like it will and one can only hope it does soon.
I have already cooked my roast lamb for dinner and just have to do the veges later on.
So far not much else has happened today, just another boring Sunday here at home.
I have had some bad news through the week but will get to that in another entry at some point, there really is no rush for anything in here.
Well best be off for now and shall get back to this another day.