I am trying
I am trying hard to get back to normal but am finding it impossible. As each day goes by the worse I am feeling. I always knew mums death would take its toll on me but I never imagined of how much of a toll it would take. Actually it is impossible to ever imagine how a death will affect you until it does happen.
Yesterday afternoon I thought I would do some work outside in the yard as in raking all the leaves up as I have a mango tree and advocado tree and they are forever dropping there leaves so it was looking like a bit of a mess out there, so i started and was doing an ok sort of job when all of a sudden a memory of mum came flooding back to me, one day before she went into the nursing home i was raking the leaves up and making little piles and mum was bending over picking them up and putting in the wheelbarrow for me, I had told her not to but she insisted she wanted to help me. So this memory yesterday came flooding back to me and I just started crying and wishing with all my might that my mum was there helping me again.
Mum and me were always very close, I suppose most mothers and daughters are but there was a special bond we always had, one that could never be broken. Of course over the years we did have a few fights but they weren't fights that we could never get over. I remember as a child when I was going to school mum would walk me to the front door and we would stand there and kiss each other on the mouth, forehead each cheek and then rub noses and then of course a cuddle. For me to leave the house without all of that was just not on even if we did have a small arguement of a morning, we just had that ritual and stuck to it for as long as I was at school.
I can still see my mums eyes light up when she saw me, even through all her sickness when she saw me walk into the room her eyes just would light up and she would just feel that everything would be ok while I was there with her and I so wish that I could have made her better but that is something I could not do for her, the one thing she wanted to do was stay here on earth with her girls. She told us that the day she passed away. She always called myself and my 2 daughters her girls and she just wanted to stay with us. That particular day she passed away she was in and out of sleep a lot which was not uncommon for mum as she did sleep heaps anyway but she was talking in her sleep a lot this particular day and when she woke up once I asked her if she was dreaming about dad and my brother and she said no but that they were here with her and I said do you think they have come to take you with them and she said probably but I dont' want to go, I just want to stay with my girls. One of my daughters was with me and we thought that was so cute but we also knew that it was asking too much as she was struggling really bad for breath at this stage.
I just wish I could start to feel a bit normal again but I can't, I miss her too much and in all honesty I just want to be with her again, but I know that I need to be here for my girls as well so I will just have to wait my turn.
Well I suppose I will leave this here for now and just try to get on with my day as today I have to take my car over for its service and then I will come home and finish what I started yesterday.
For anyone that reads this, I hope your day is better than mine.
Yesterday afternoon I thought I would do some work outside in the yard as in raking all the leaves up as I have a mango tree and advocado tree and they are forever dropping there leaves so it was looking like a bit of a mess out there, so i started and was doing an ok sort of job when all of a sudden a memory of mum came flooding back to me, one day before she went into the nursing home i was raking the leaves up and making little piles and mum was bending over picking them up and putting in the wheelbarrow for me, I had told her not to but she insisted she wanted to help me. So this memory yesterday came flooding back to me and I just started crying and wishing with all my might that my mum was there helping me again.
Mum and me were always very close, I suppose most mothers and daughters are but there was a special bond we always had, one that could never be broken. Of course over the years we did have a few fights but they weren't fights that we could never get over. I remember as a child when I was going to school mum would walk me to the front door and we would stand there and kiss each other on the mouth, forehead each cheek and then rub noses and then of course a cuddle. For me to leave the house without all of that was just not on even if we did have a small arguement of a morning, we just had that ritual and stuck to it for as long as I was at school.
I can still see my mums eyes light up when she saw me, even through all her sickness when she saw me walk into the room her eyes just would light up and she would just feel that everything would be ok while I was there with her and I so wish that I could have made her better but that is something I could not do for her, the one thing she wanted to do was stay here on earth with her girls. She told us that the day she passed away. She always called myself and my 2 daughters her girls and she just wanted to stay with us. That particular day she passed away she was in and out of sleep a lot which was not uncommon for mum as she did sleep heaps anyway but she was talking in her sleep a lot this particular day and when she woke up once I asked her if she was dreaming about dad and my brother and she said no but that they were here with her and I said do you think they have come to take you with them and she said probably but I dont' want to go, I just want to stay with my girls. One of my daughters was with me and we thought that was so cute but we also knew that it was asking too much as she was struggling really bad for breath at this stage.
I just wish I could start to feel a bit normal again but I can't, I miss her too much and in all honesty I just want to be with her again, but I know that I need to be here for my girls as well so I will just have to wait my turn.
Well I suppose I will leave this here for now and just try to get on with my day as today I have to take my car over for its service and then I will come home and finish what I started yesterday.
For anyone that reads this, I hope your day is better than mine.
This entry was posted
on Thursday, September 28, 2006 at 7:24 am.
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