I am trying hard to get back to normal but am finding it impossible. As each day goes by the worse I am feeling. I always knew mums death would take its toll on me but I never imagined of how much of a toll it would take. Actually it is impossible to ever imagine how a death will affect you until it does happen.
Yesterday afternoon I thought I would do some work outside in the yard as in raking all the leaves up as I have a mango tree and advocado tree and they are forever dropping there leaves so it was looking like a bit of a mess out there, so i started and was doing an ok sort of job when all of a sudden a memory of mum came flooding back to me, one day before she went into the nursing home i was raking the leaves up and making little piles and mum was bending over picking them up and putting in the wheelbarrow for me, I had told her not to but she insisted she wanted to help me. So this memory yesterday came flooding back to me and I just started crying and wishing with all my might that my mum was there helping me again.
Mum and me were always very close, I suppose most mothers and daughters are but there was a special bond we always had, one that could never be broken. Of course over the years we did have a few fights but they weren't fights that we could never get over. I remember as a child when I was going to school mum would walk me to the front door and we would stand there and kiss each other on the mouth, forehead each cheek and then rub noses and then of course a cuddle. For me to leave the house without all of that was just not on even if we did have a small arguement of a morning, we just had that ritual and stuck to it for as long as I was at school.
I can still see my mums eyes light up when she saw me, even through all her sickness when she saw me walk into the room her eyes just would light up and she would just feel that everything would be ok while I was there with her and I so wish that I could have made her better but that is something I could not do for her, the one thing she wanted to do was stay here on earth with her girls. She told us that the day she passed away. She always called myself and my 2 daughters her girls and she just wanted to stay with us. That particular day she passed away she was in and out of sleep a lot which was not uncommon for mum as she did sleep heaps anyway but she was talking in her sleep a lot this particular day and when she woke up once I asked her if she was dreaming about dad and my brother and she said no but that they were here with her and I said do you think they have come to take you with them and she said probably but I dont' want to go, I just want to stay with my girls. One of my daughters was with me and we thought that was so cute but we also knew that it was asking too much as she was struggling really bad for breath at this stage.
I just wish I could start to feel a bit normal again but I can't, I miss her too much and in all honesty I just want to be with her again, but I know that I need to be here for my girls as well so I will just have to wait my turn.
Well I suppose I will leave this here for now and just try to get on with my day as today I have to take my car over for its service and then I will come home and finish what I started yesterday.
For anyone that reads this, I hope your day is better than mine.

In one of the forums I go to I call myself notablonde, well today proved why I call myself that name. Last year September I put my rego sticker on the car as one does when it is time to do it. Well I had all sorts of problems with it, I couldn't get the bloody thing to come off the backing paper without leaving some of it on the actual sticker and I just swore at myself because I had refused to put it on my car window until it was due so I had it in my glove box for a while and thought that the paper had melted onto the sticker and that is why I was having all this problem with it. I was not impressed and thought for sure throughout the year I would have problems with it on the wind screen because of some of the paper still being stuck to it. Fortunately I didn't have any problems with it in this past year and it stayed on the wind screen well, thank goodness. So now today I decide it is time for me to put the new one on as it is that time of year again, but this time I was not going to get caught out and had left it inside the house to the sun could not get to it, thought i was so clever doing that. Well I went around to the passenger side and pulled the old one off and put the new one on, with such ease I might add, no problems at all. All the while I am thinking to myself how well the old one had stayed on there considering it had this paper stuck to it in places, but well out with the old and in with the new. So after I did that I came around to the drivers side of the car waiting for my daughter to get in the car as we were going out and I was just playing around with the old sticker and I then realized that there was nothing wrong at all with the old sticker, I just had not pulled the sticker off properly in the first place, I had left the clear outer edge on it and that is where all my problems came from, when my daughter realized what an idiot I was she sure let me know and said something along the lines of, mum I really can't believe you, she was in shock and just shaking her head at me in disbelief. I told her that I do have some blonde moments this one just stayed with me for a year. I honestly never cease to amaze myself at times, I have to admit it is the first good laugh I have had in quite a while so that part felt good.
We then went over to a shopping centre that we don't frequent that often but it is large and you can lose yourself there which is good, takes your mind of other things.
Bought this really funky watch and a bracelet, all in the junk jewellry style but it is all nice. I know I did something silly over there as well just can't think of what it was but i am sure my daughter will fill me in on whatever it was i did.
It has actually been a nice day today, I just start getting a bit down after lunch but I am sure that will pass one day also.
Anyway that is enough of my ramblings...so take care to anyone that reads this.

With a day like today where do you begin to tell each other how you are feeling.
I watched the memorial fully once and parts of it a 2nd time, it just got far too emotional for me to keep watching the 2nd time.
When Steve spoke of his mum that is where I just totally lost it, it was as though he knew how I was feeling and he suffered exactly the same way as I am now, but then when someone we love so much leaves us for a better life beyond we all suffer the same way, just some of us show it more than others.
I actually left the house today without anyone with me, strange feeling and quite honestly i don't think I am ready for that experience again for a little while yet. But anyway I went up the road to the shops to get something for dinner and there is this painting I keep stopping to look at, it is of 2 kookaburras sitting in a gum tree and it is absolutely beautiful and so is the price. The painting is a limited edition so if I want it I had better make my mind up soon as I can see it going soon and then I know I am going to be disappointed. I find myself just looking at this painting for ages so i am not sure if my mum is telling me in some kind of way to buy it as not long before she passed away outside of the nursing home there was this kookaburra sitting in a tree and I took some pics of it and showed mum, she loved kookaburras but then who doesn't love them. I think tomorrow I will make my mind up one way or the other as to whether I will buy it or not.
If there were people reading my blog they could help me decide on what to do but since no one is reading anything I write i have to make this decision on my own.
Well I suppose that is it for me for now so take care whoever decides to read this.

Well it has been quite some time now since I last entered anything in here. The reason for this is because my precious mother passed away on the 30th August 2006 and was cremated on the 5th Sept. and well I just have not had the energy or inclination to write anything in here since all of this happened.
For 5 days i watched my mother struggle for every breath she took and that was so hard to do, just sitting there helpless, when mum was awake she was very alert and knew most of what was going on around her but for most of the time she slept which was good as she didn't have to look at me with such a sad face.
I broke down once in front of mum when the doctors told us that she was in a pretty bad way and that there was not much more they could do for her and it was only a matter of time. Mum saw me break down and the look of horror on her face seeing me like that was terrible, it is a look I will never forget. I just said to her you know how I am just a big old sook not liking what was happening to her. She knew what I was like, cry at the drop of a hat (or whatever that saying is) but I just wish now that I had held it together a bit better.
A doctor once said to me sometime ago that I had to stop being selfish and to let mum know that it was ok for her to go to the next place, after giving that careful consideration I thought to myself that perhaps i was being selfish and that I should let mum go so I prayed so hard this time when she was in hospital for god to take her and not let her suffer anymore. He answered me this time by taking mum but it still does not make this any easier on me or my kids.
My mum and me had a special relationship, we always did. I always felt so safe in her arms, she always knew the right thing to say to me when I was sad. I am sad now but i don't have my mum to comfort me this time and I miss that so much. Even whilst mum was in the nursing home and something happened to me I always wanted to be with my mum as i knew just seeing her would make me feel so much better.
I am a 48 year old woman here and I am crying like a 2 year old but you know what I can't help it. I miss her so much that it is killing me inside.
Sorry for my ramblings but tonight I just felt like I needed to get some things off my chest, not that it has made me feel any better but it is done.